So, remember my confession last time that I had blueberry fever? Well, as a side note, after eating most of the 18 cups of blueberries in about 2 weeks, I had a blood test (I have these a lot) and my Vit B12 was off the charts! My followup with the Dr. is tomorrow, and I’m sure I’ll have a lot to explain. It will probably start as follows: “So, I really wanted some blueberry pie…”. What’s not to love about this superfood?
Ok, that was all side-note stuff. Today I wanted to get a little serious and a lot personal by sharing a journal entry I wrote May 4, 2014–five months after taking my medical leave from the mission field.
During that summer I was just coming to terms with the seriousness of my health condition. No, I wouldn’t be returning to the mission field soon or maybe at all. There wasn’t going to be a quick fix. My plane ticket back for summer ministries was refunded. Denial was fading to realization and even shock.
These words are simple, but from my then despairing heart. Maybe some of you will relate. I titled it:
“If God doesn’t give me what I want, He’s teaching me to want something better.”
the entry continues…
I’ve heard the phrase, “No pain, no gain” multiple times these last few months, and though this isn’t always true, I see how it can be for me physically and spiritually. Physically I see that maybe patience through the pain of [my treatments] could lend me the reward of improved health (maybe). Spiritually, I am seeing that my own vanity and pride shrink when faced with despair and the need for Christ’s Salvation.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. ~ Prov 3:5-6
Do I trust the Lord with all my <3? Does the level of my trust in Him correlate with my level of discomfort?
Do I lean on my own understanding? Do I do things my own way by my own means for my own glory?
Do all my ways acknowledge God? How I talk? What I wear? How I act?
Do I want my paths to be straightened by God?
I hope that after the pain of this ordeal I will have gained greater hope and life in Christ. My relationship will be based more on trust and I will desire His “better” no matter what.
Thank you for reading! As always, let me know how this helps you. Also, if you want some further reading about trusting God through pain, hop on over here for more. That post is titled: “Peace Through Burnout: Navigating Burnout-Related Anxiety, Panic Disorder, and Depression”.